Today was the day that I've been waiting for for 6 week's.It was my appointment with my fertility doctor to discuss the results of my procedure in person as well as figure out where we go from here. Much of the information didn't entirely seem new since we had gotten the results sent to us via email. But being back in the clinic was a triggering experience. I was overwhelmed and had a hard time keeping my emotions in check even before going back into the doctor's office.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I knew the doctor was going to tell me I had to wait, I was just hoping it was on the lower end of the spectrum that I had to wait. When she told me 6 months that we had to have a forced break, my heart dropped. She said it was to monitor my HCG for signs of this cancer associated with molar pregnancies. She said if there was cancer it was super duper treatable. We did discover that molar pregnancies were rare in themselves but I even had a rarer kind. Traditionally, in a typical molar pregnancy, 1 sperms duplicates itself when there is an empty egg but in my case, 2 sperms fertilized the egg.
We went on to talk about the options which she said was really up to us. Because IUI worked before it wasn’t out of the question to do it again, the con being that of course another molar pregnancy could potentially happen. Or we could start IVF, which would completely rule out molar pregnancies but both have the same success rate. Also IVF is more expensive so it’s definitely something we have to look at.
It’s no hidden thing that I struggle with my weight and of course it was brought up in conversation as well, which just feels like kicking the horse while there down. It was brought to our attention that with IVF I would have to lose a considerable amount of weight to qualify due to BMI requirements by Shady groves.
I find I’m not sure what to do with my life. In my 20s, I would say my passion was glassblowing, as 2020 hit, I’d say my passion was my business and my husband as we were getting married around that time. Then when we started trying, all my focus became that and now that’s not there, I dont know what to do anymore. I don’t feel like I can give more to my glass or more to my business, I’m exhausted, I love what I do but I’m tired. I know it’s easy to say focus on your health as a new passion but it feels like a chore.
This election also stresses me out, not knowing what the future holds and if IVF will forcibly be off the table. I have never felt so hurt and targeted by the words of JD Vance about Childless cat women. I may not have cats but I have dogs and it’s not by choice that I don’t have kids.
All of it feels too much right now. But life keeps going and right now I just feel like I just need to ride the train/bus because I can’t hold on to this wheel of my life right now.
Anyways, Thank you for your support.